Fantastic Four (1994) is an urban legend that has circulated among movie studios. Legend has it that German producer Bernd Eichinger was on the verge of losing the rights to Marvel’s Fantastic Four unless he produced a movie. He brought on Roger Corman as a director who could produce B-movies for under a million. Oley Sassone was chosen to direct, and the monstrosity known as Fantastic Four (1994) was put into motion. Only this movie was never meant to be seen by audiences. The finished reel was stored in a warehouse (not even the Disney Vault) and relegated to darkness. But, faster than you can say “Torrent Oppenheimer,” the audience got hold of the VHS, and it circulated. Fast forward to modern times, and now YouTube and Archive.org have free viewings of the film.

With only Nick Fury, Punisher, Captain America, Thor, Hulk, and Spider-Man being adapted into low-budget movies and shows, Fantastic Four would be Marvel’s lamest launch into 90s cinema. Reed Richards and Victor (not yet Doom) were physicist colleagues at an unnamed university. When they learn that the cosmic event, Colossus, was moving over Earth’s orbit, they sprang into action to shoot cosmic rays at it. Only the project goes awry, and Victor is struck by cosmic rays.

Wait, did I mention that Johnny and Sue Storm are in their tween years at this time, and they are part of a Wayward Home for Youth? Reed occasionally visits this home and chats with the kids there. Also, for reasons not explained, Ben is a Big Brother who plays Faketendo with Johnny Storm.

Back to the plot. Ten years later, Ben and Reed get a new chance to interact with Colossus in a spaceship. They have a special crystal that will do cosmic things to Colossus (It’s MArvEl SciEnCe!!). Unfortunately, a sewer-dwelling gnome in a bowler hat named The Jeweler (no relation to real Mole Man or Puppet Master) wants to impress the beautiful Alicia Masters. He steals the crystal and replaces it with a fake. He then kidnaps Alicia in case she didn’t get the hint that he likes her.

Doom views the footage from the secret cameras he has access to and approves the evil ploy. He is likely bitter because Reed did not follow up after he was hit by cosmic rays, not even to confirm his death.

Reed hires Ben, Johnny, and Sue for his new Colossus project. Johnny and Sue are wayward foster youth so it’s not like they have anything better to do. Reed notes that Sue is much hotter ten years later (and absolutely legal). The Four of Fantastic intentions journey to Colossus and bask in its glow, but like all origin stories, the Colossus jacks them up.

Extreme smash cut. Reed, Ben, Johnny, and Sue are in a wilderness/park, and they wonder why they have such bad headaches. Johnny lights on fire, Sue turns invisible, and Reed extends his arm twenty feet. Ben has no idea how gross he is going to become.

Doom realizes that his former colleague has new powers and decides to capture them. Conveniently, their ship crashed right outside his yard in Latveria. Ben goes whole Thing in his transformation, leading to some self-pity about his new, unattractive body (but he can now smash through any sound studio scenery). The Four escape and meet Doom, who asks them politely and cordially if they could stay against their will. The team escapes, and then Reed starts asking the hard questions: Why did we get these powers, and who is that metal monarch with Bane’s voice?

Meanwhile, Doom infiltrates the Jeweler’s sewer hideout and dispatches all the bad guys by flexing as they shoot bullets at him. He steals the real crystal and plans to use it to remove the powers of the Fantastic Four and put them in himself. The Thing has a crisis of self-esteem, but learns that he can save blind, cute women like Alicia Masters as a giant rock monster.

Doom threatens to blow up New York if the Four don’t turn themselves in. Sue makes everyone appropriate Fantastic Four costumes, and the team decides to confront Doom. They storm the Castle to Latveria, beat up some guards, and Reed punches his old colleague three times in the face (pushing him off a balcony). Doom swears revenge (with no idea this film has no future).

The movie concludes with Reed and Sue getting married. Everyone is happy as the two lovebirds drive off into the sunset.

Strangely, Fantastic Four is not an abomination to the senses. Yes, it shouldn’t be seen by humans non-ironically. Yes, it looks like 1970s garbage compared to Batman Returns. However, the movie harkens back to a simpler time when superhero franchises could simply tell a story. The story has no depth, complex philosophy, or universal truth. It’s just four heroes getting powers and stopping a schmuck from doing something awful. Reminds me of the freshness and innocence of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man.

You can tell that Roger Corman was in on the joke, but he still tried to make his best iteration of the Fantastic Four. He knew that some videos would see the light of day, and he was curious to see how Marvel geeks would perceive it. He did an okay job for someone who had the same film budget as a Capri-Sun commercial.

All the credit goes to the actors and wardrobe, who made the most comic-accurate characters. Sue is a knock-out blonde. Reed has a white streak in his hair. Johnny looks like a fiery white guy. The Thing’s costume is where the $1 million budget went, as he looks spot on. This movie didn’t even have a “When in doubt, give it to Pedro Pascal” policy, which all studios have now.

Should you watch Corman’s Fantastic Four? No, unless you are desperate for blog or video content. Most likely, you will be gushing about Fantastic Four: First Steps more than anything. While today’s superhero movies are trying desperately to win Oscars and be philosophically thicker than the Bible, it’s nice to know that simplicity and naivety once existed.