When Ollie’s offers a 12-pack of energy drinks for $4.99, there is no question, you just nab it. Even if its main ingredient is bleach, that is still a good deal.

I like to think that I am prepared for every type of energy drink flavor. My life philosophy tagline is “How bad can it be?” Apparently, the universe sees that as a challenge, and thus, Machu Picchu Ocean Citrus was born. This is an all-natural drink containing yerba mate. Before this drink, I assumed yerba mate was a failed competitor to Furbies. Even the term Ocean Citrus should have given me pause for reflection. That was the best name they could come up with? What happened to Mountain Mandarin or Coastal Clementine? Even the name Trans-Atlantic Tamarind would suffice. All I knew was that I had to prepare myself for oranges that had been steeped in ocean water.

I wasn’t prepared, but I’m glad I tried it. There is a scientific breakthrough here. For years, science had attempted to combine the taste of orange juice with the sensation of just brushing your teeth. I can say with the utmost pride, they did it. Ocean Citrus blends the subtle hints of oranges with a refreshing blast of Crest Cavity Protection. It’s like getting a back massage, but then Randy Savage ends it with a top rope elbow drop onto your spine. The tongue welcomes the orange tones and then recoils in horror at the mistake it just made. This drink, if anything, is an excellent metaphor for life. Life is full of joyous moments mixed with awfulness. If my life can’t be perfect, then why should my drink?

Machu Picchu provides 180 grams of caffeine, an awe-inspiring number. Unfortunately, they neglect to tell you that you will use the added energy to complain to your friends that you just drank Machu Picchu. It’s a zero-sum win.

I wonder if I should have picked the other flavor, Alpine Mint, which I imagine to be a mix of rock climbing and licking a candy cane. There’s an important lesson to be learned here: I am not a yerba mate guy. If I were stuck on a deserted island and the trees provided plentiful yerba mate, I would probably use it to make a raft. Then again, if yerba mate is some kind of glue used in building rafts, that justifies the flavor totally.

8/10 Stars